Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in hope_vanished's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
2:50 pm	'cause the hardest part of this is leaving you' life is really really good. exams are approachin quickly but with that so too is d thought of summer which i so cannot wait for... the sunny days, the tentages, the plans of holidays and wkends away.. time with shane with no worry of essays or work. life is good!!! there has been sum i dunno weirdness recently i know essays and projects is makin everybody tense, but this tension is beyond the normal amount.. relationships are strainned and on the edge of snapping. maybe no body sees this but me..maybe they all see it but think if no one voices it, then its not true. this summer wont be like the last, but dunno if i want it too be. i love shane with all my heart but with that i worry... i know i thought i loved portlaoise and maybe i did at one stage before the fighting before the rows..but what ever we ever had was long long ago. now theres something new and the butterflies, the crazy smiles, the life is amazing feelings have returned once again...but with them i do worry that everything in life comes to an end eventually. i know sum mite say im pesimistic but im just realistic and the worst thing ever is a break up so although im happy beyond belief completely in love... im also dreading the day it come to an end His family are great his bro is so much fun and his sister is hilarious...i met all his aunts, uncles, cousins and grandad in a space of like 5 minutes and altho i was dreadin it it was amazing seeing where he came from and being so excepted so quickly with shane i experience something that i never have pure trust, love, genuine feelings with no jealousy or smoothering no touchy emotional garbage..just pure honesty between us both he is exactly what ive been looking for.. Current Mood: happy Current Music: M.C.R. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007
8:08 pm	life is a peach life is a peach!!! from the outside it looks great it looks succulent, lavish, full of wonder, tasting of sweetness and pure heaven... then u bite it and its as bitter and hard as they come...you grit your teeth and spit it out yet the taste lingers still. life seems good, hypothetically i should be in heaven, in pure unbareable paradise! only well i'm not. i really like shane, i love my friends, i love dublin and home... yet theres something thats nagging at me, pulling me down i taste nothing... sleep?? it doesn't exist! tiredness claws at me... my body aches not from post concert pains but from something else. life is grey and i dont know how to fix it... dont know how to see in colour once more to smell the rain and feel it.. i want to enjoy i want to cry i want to freak over exams, hug shane and never wanna let him go.....but i cant!!! i feel these emotions bubbling at the surface, unable to push them thro i want to SCREAM at so many ppl and call them idiots for how their acting how their lettin others treat them at FUKN STANLY!!! yet i cant... why cant i just say these things maybe then i'd feel right again... Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: cancer mcr (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 22nd, 2007
7:21 pm	ahhhhhhhhhhh confusion why is life so hard??? i loved being single....enters a yr long relationship...i loved bein in a relationship....i hated bein in relationship...cue end of relationship.... i loved bein single enters 4 guys, stress, skangers and torment = me becoming a lesbian justin, townie nice likes me messed me around young skanger scary friends -----------damian, england------------------- out of equation peter, ex history possessive psychotic jealous angry obsessive guy will b arguments but comfortable familiar love? shane, gorgeous funny sound nice sweet hot... sooo confusedddddd i really dont wanna hurt anyone i really dont but im going tooo i know it!!! but whoooo???? shane i want, justin i feel bad for, peter i just dont know i know id b mental to consider peter it wud b exact same fights rows arguments miserable!!!! butttttttttt im crazy i like shane hes really nice.. but i dont kno if he feels for me like i do for him!!!!!! if i burn all my bridges for him i could end up with nothing but cant take my second choice just in case just cause i know he likes me thats terrible on him and on me ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i need help and i need it quick!!! if i go to dinner with justin wud shane b hurt?? if i meet shane tomorro wud justin feel bad??? if i met them both is that cheating??? when do ya say now its a relationship??? do the words girlf boyf need to b used or is it unwriten??? really are girls easier coz at this point id take antn but this........ Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 24th, 2007
11:20 am	ok soo... me and peter had a big talk and we ve agreed to just be friends. it wasnt workin for a long time and we were both miserable and in denial. neither wanted to end it and we kept giving it one more chance. some one had to say no more chances and it was me. wish it hadnt of been but he was way to clingy obsessive possessive and angry i was way to much of a free spirit i needed my space...the more he clung the more i backed away!! i missed my freedom and felt clostiphobic.. now i dont!!! now our relationship is really good. we make good friends just not good lovers!! i dont regret any of the yr it may have been easier had i worked up the courage earlier but i dont regret a moment even of the abd times and the beginning when it was good it was great near end wen it was gd it was ok wen it was bad it was terrible. i started doubting whether or not i was IN love with him and that signalled the end. anytime anyone asked me was i in love wit him i said i care about him and love him but i could never say in love.. i guess i was or thought i was in beginning he'll always be my first love but not anymore like that. now its time for me to find out what its like being joanne again not joanne and peter and enjoy being 18 single and having the world at my feet no relationships for me for a while anyway just enjoy being jo and well a bit of college work wouldnt hurt would it haha!!!!!! i know hes not the only one who has to change for future relationships jo try actuallya ctin like a girlf and not letting ppl influence it. i know i was a bitch alot and was never v grateful for gifts i just wanted to pay half he was a pretty excellent boyf in that respect presents flowers everything a proper girl would love... i didnt! guess i need to change alot too but i have time alot of time im only 18 and in 2nd yr college time to live it up im gonna miss the cuddles someone to lean on in times of need someone for someone to lean on weekends of adventure going to portl even tho i complained ha i am a whiney bitch of a girlf no wonder it never works lol!!!! tho i cant b sad i know that wel i know i have some entitlements after a whole yr but i ended it so he deserves it more!!!! i recognise i'll b seen as the bitch and i know i am so time to live up to the personna!!!! i will miss him i know were still friends still txtn maybe even still c each other sometimes but wont b same. when he gets with someone knew i'll know i'll find it hard like i say he will wen i do but oh well its all part and parcel of a relationship just glad we managed to salvage a friendship =0D cause i know him better than anyone and he knows me better than anyone too didnt wanna loose that i know he always has my bk and i his so now its just time for me....=0D Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Friday, February 23rd, 2007
7:29 pm	=0( i miss peter so much i want to get back with him i want to be bk in a relationship with him!!!!! but how can i when im scared of him!!!!??? i feel lonely and jealous at the thoughts of him with other girls. i just want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be alright am i askin for too much???? i ve never felt so bad as i do right now i know i want him bk but how can i justify doing it. especially after him acting like that this weak has been content and relaxed coz i didnt have him constantly freaking being conscience of what i say 24/7 and fighting....but its also been awful. i hate his possessiveness his violence and lack of self control but i love him!!! i either loose the man i love or loose my freedom... im so close to loosing control and i dont know what to do Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
1:39 pm	=0( i am such a cow i am scum im actually worse than scum how could i do that how did he take it so well what do i do now he deserves soo much better than me i really have ruined it how could i be so callus what is wrong with me??? i know.........im not a real person... be free live your life in love and happiness you wont find that with me..so the least i can do is let you go free i really did love you now.......i love nothing. good bye Current Mood: blank (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 4th, 2006
1:10 am	wel pain much yeah was in casualty and pain GAH never felt so much pain in my life. Oh my God tho peter was soo good. i literally have a Guardian Angel looking over me.he looked after me the whole time nad even brought me home and waited 5 and half hours in the hospital with me. lol i was such a mess crying and all and he just held me =0D IM SOOO DAMN IN LOVE ITS MENTAL ITS REALLY CRAZY lol i want to be with this boy Foreverrrr Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Friday, October 13th, 2006
11:38 pm	he he omg sooooooooooooooo excited about mine and amys halloween party lol i really cant wait and wel considerin how well the last party went... aka fire, fire extinguisher, break down, fights, near death, mugging, hook ups, sex............who can blame me lol the house is still standing dont worry lol. have deadly idea for costume cant wait. peters coming up tues for the day CANT WAIT i looove wen he comes to college with me he came up tues tues ago too was great hehe *giggles* yeah im an official girly girl go figure lol but things are really good right now and im really happy laura masacred my hair but part from that things are great im at home and sleppy hehe =0D Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 1st, 2006
8:51 pm	.............. i dont even know what to say. these past few weeks have been full with such arguments such stress such tears..... the fear, the hurt...the rejection and stress is it possible to feel such smothering but so pushed away all at once?? i just dont know anymore.. maybe its me??? maybe its not him but me and my irrational fear of letting some one, anyone in.. its so hard for me to let anyone in, friends, family anyone...but someone i love so much..someone i have such a connection with its just so hard to let him in. to let him know how i think, how i feel when sometimes even i dont know. you smother me so much i feel like i cant breathe...but then you as easily push me away and make me feel so bad and so crap i just want to die... but how can i leave when when im with you i also feel so alive like ive never known before. i love you so much but is that enough...is it enough to last forever? Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 27th, 2006
3:21 pm	........ You hurt me more than you will ever know you made me feel so god damn low i am at a loss of what to say i cant pretend just forget this day you FUCKING hurt me and made me sad I'VE NEVER EVER FELT so so bad i hug my pillow i try not to cry when people notice i spin them a lie i spin myself that live each day and try so hard to make my pain go away you look at me with such venom and disgust i feel like we've lost all of our trust i reach for that dagger to thrust through my heart the heart which you merclessly ripped apart .................................. ....................................... Current Mood: blah Current Music: funeral for a friend "Bullet theory" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
6:23 pm	=0( i'm really scared peters gonna leave....his parents keep talking about moving and how unhappy they are here and i know even if he says it now that he wont, when it comes to it how can he leave his parents, his brother and sister, the opportunity to see his friends and family again...for me =0( he says now no way will he that he cant possibly leave without me and wot can i say...nothing. i just have to believe him falling further and further for him to i the end have my heart tore out...i cant possibly ask him to choose..tobe alone and loose his whole family just for me i really dont know wot to do i cant even exlain my worries to him coz he just keeps saying i wont leave dont worry...but he will....and so will a part of me =0( Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 4th, 2006
8:51 pm	hehe hey yeahhhhs i forgot to tell ye all i met peters family like properlya nd all his friends went really well i think was most excellent argh i miisss him soo much he only went home monday and comin up sat but miss him soooooooooooo much i love him soo much its crazy never thought i could love some one this much but i seriously dont think i cud survive without him and without seeing him he really is the one my soul mate if it were. i can see the future with him and i really hope it happens i wanna spend the rest of my life with him and only him hehe ok ill shut up now hehe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Current Mood: inlove <3 (2 Comments |Comment on this)
8:34 pm	okay dunno where to really start..i kno i kno im not around fro months and i only come bk wen im depressed meh meh but fuk that that is what ur for dear. arghhhhhhhh so yeah really funny shaun nearly got arrested last night haha for stealing magazines and vandilising a ballarda nd throwing the magazines down baggot st lol and being 'checky' to cops lol haha handcuffs were on and all lmfao they knicknocked round grafton st stole milk and threw stuff in the lake lmfao we stole a stool from forum too haha good craic buttttt fell rally bad right now peter informed me this morning his parents want to move bk to southafrica..yeah great right!!!soo not a great day ehh but now hes saying he copnvinced em out of it..but for how long until they think of it again. i know they were thinkin bout england or wales and even thats breaking my heart but South Africa............ fuk!!!! severelly fuk!!!! anywhooo mehhh yeah quite depressed but wot ya gonna do eh really sad cant b there for katie too and amy and anne yvonne karen amanda all of them this is shit purely shit really wanted to be there sort of like im coming bk and their leaving with me kind of thing... yeah depressed is the word alright..completely and utterly depressed =0( Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
7:43 pm	heyyyyyy omg had the best weekend ever my bday party was great had the majority of my friends with me got a tad bit typsey and just hung out. peter came down and everything. came down tuesday for me actual birthday and gave me my GORGEOUS presents, met the family and we even went down to the pub for a few with aish and lorraine,mam,laura and col. was great crack. then he came down and stayed all weekend. I love him so so soooo much,with all of my heart. i actually wanna spend my whole life with him, grow old with him, have a family in the very far future and love him forever and ever. its crazy never thought of the future like that with anyone else but now after two months..... im properly in love for the first and im hopin last time.i think its true..you can find your true love at any age..most ppl wud say eighteen?? noo way..ya cant be in love!! but i am and he loves me its crazy how happy i am and how complete he makes me feel...stupid huh but true. anywho had last three weeks off was great even tho worked like everyday lol had a moostt stressful week paddys week but twas all ova nothing in the end thank god but peter was just soooooooooo good and upportive and loving and he calmed me down and made me feel safe and like everything wud work out okay!!!awwwwwwwwwwww okay okay im goin bk on to tat subject again!!!lol sorry i cant stop goin on lol soo i'll leave it der lol Current Mood: happy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 19th, 2006
3:33 pm	time to fill you in in the crazyness that has been my life... okay so i had wot is suppose to be one of the biggest experiences in my life last night yet i cant help but wonder what all the big deal was. i always thought it had to be special it had to be a certain thing even tho it was special dont get me wrong i love him so much and though it aint been long i feel so close to him, miss him so much already nd he only went home like 3 hrs ago. hehe. but like i wasnt sure bout us taking that kinda step coz of the fact we've only been official for like 3 weeks but.. i dunno that whole concept of having to be with sum1 a specific amount of time before sleeping with them is bullshit!!! it depends on da closeness you have nd how comfortable u feel with them ya know. well i just knew it was the right time i suppose it no longer felt like such a big thing, with him it just felt like a natural next step. he was so nice and made sure i was okay with everything i love him so much. ahh well thats my biggest news for sure but umm let me think of summore hehe..well uni's goin crap this semester missed loads nd will prob fail bu feck it. cookie died as did brandy few months ago *bows head for a minute* missing my wexford gang loads nd feelin kinda seperated from them, like i'm moving off in another direction from them... well thats life tho i suppose....still miss them tho! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 27th, 2006
8:26 pm	soooooo much has hapened ok wont well cant go into everything but last week was theeeeeeeee best 14 hrs sleep in 5 days ppl!!!! wed went 21 with anto,rashers,fiona,aoife,brian,carra,aishling,kieran,eithne,willina and anna was sooooooooooooo much fun lol den dat nite kieran and anna stayed at mine then me anna anto nd addy went to NCAD and bk to annas to watch clueless nd brain dead lmfao sooo bad twas sooo funny lol then myself nd anto stayed up drinkin gin gettn pissed talkin til like half 6.fri went to cinema wid anto,anna,addy and aish to see memoires of a geysha proceeding to dress anto up as a geysha wid lipstick nd all lol he has a betterfigure init that we did lol!!! then stayed in pjs til 6 pm nd watched stupid dvds eatin pizza drinkin wine nd vodka nd got pissed Again lol!! Had an argument wid anto for reasons wont go into coz we sorted it out nd r closer dan eva txtn nd all all the time tis great. this semseter so far has been BRILLINT made new friends in aoife,jason,peter,bruce,Hot talented james,sean etc and my friendships wid d rest r betta dan eva =0D am loving it those 2 weeks flew by!!!! this week went out wed nd thurs thurs was really crap until we got home nd woke up bruce nd sean nd made em come down nd got brian to come too was fun!! omg two guys in balaclavas were outside window jus starin up not movin was freaky den bruce flashed his nipples,they burst out laughin nd turns out was ian nd friend keith lmfao they were goin round dub in em askin ppl "Hey do u know wot time the banks open at?" LMFAO!!!! EXCELLENT so bruce got m to go into ben (who was asleep) nad freak him out lol!!! then the fuckin bastards did that to yvonne the fucking big headed small penised inconsiderate,muppet headed bastard pricks!!!!but we made jokes nd stuff tried calm her nd was okay think she felt safe id us all der in one room ya kno eatin toast anyway i'll leave it at that for now am wrecked only 1 hrs sleep yest. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Current Mood: tired (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 26th, 2005
12:18 am	WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *spins round on round on spinnny chair wearin hat nd tinsel* weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Current Mood: giggly Current Music: kaiser chiefs (Comment on this)
Monday, December 5th, 2005
11:18 pm	.......sheeeeeeeeeeeeep.... well SOOO much has happened of recent but i'll start wid sat. went out was one of my societies christmas party was on tv TG4 nd had a great time got tipsey nd only had to spend a 5 ALL night GOOO FREEEBIESS!!! lol went out got come on to by brian the auditor *shudders*...ran away hehe hes sound dont get m wrong bu also brian but was fun til me,sumba and aish had to walk from stephens green to donnybrooke at four in the morning in the PISSN rain til we cud hail a cab DAMN TAXI DRIVERS was fierce funny tho' all bhind us down as far as u cud c were others walkin too lol GOD BLESS THAT TAMI DRIVER!!! anyway soo to important partttt wednesday day bfore my first history test...went to student bar was open til half 2,christmas party decided go for hour tops coz roomy nd friend forced me...stayed til end but anyway scored TTTTTheeee most GORGEOUS GUY ever his names hugh nd he is sooo cute second yr economics from kildare lol but awwwwwwwwwww he was sooo sweet nd cute and after getting half attacked by dis looser meeting him just made me soooo happy nd smiley. i reeeally hope i see him again he really is sooo cute nd sweet would introduce him to the friends nd folks in a heartbeat *giggles* lol anyway sooo yeah exams went allllrigght me thinks sept being on os late in damn blckrock hehe found it ok tho sooo now thankfully gots aweek off but needs to study in most badest way specially for politics but alls good basically. well better head off ta bed workin 8-4 after doin 4-half 9 tonight *sighs* Current Mood: good Current Music: i just wanna feel------Robbie (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
12:18 pm	heheehe had BEST crack EVERRRRRRRRR on mon. anna came out here to protest so i joined in...was fun. then i was goin out to manooth to see chris nd got anna to come wid me coz...skared of train lmfao nooo was just scared id get lost so anna cametoo and OMG best time EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR i seriously havent had that much fun in a LONGGG time. chris was brillinat d whole time nd made sure we had a great time. anthony met us off da train coz chris was in orchastra LALALA hehe nd den wen he came bk nd after we made fatfrogs we headed out to the student bar it was d best crack EVEERRRR nd omg chris danced like AHHHHH i never thought id see the day and the mans got sum moves lol it was brilliant we didnt stop dancin til we were leavin nd den we irish danced down d road nd d whole trip bk we sang christmas carols as chris pole danced lmfao it was EXCELLENT EXCEELLLENT I TELL YA!! then we all slept in d livin room and ate pringels nd in da mornin watched pingu til chris had to go to music we ewre gonna go too but...too lazy hehe WOT THEY LIVE ONE HELL OF A LONG WAY FROM COLLEGE lol but we just hung round d house til we woke up anto to a) annoy him and b) get my money he owed me lmfao ohhh and team america ONCE again kept us MUChhly AMUSED HEHE.....AMERICA....FUCK YOU MONTAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MONTAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE lmfao *falls ova* was well worth the DAAAAAAAAAAY FROOOOOOOOOOOOM HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL getting there lol anywhoooooooooo betta be off chow amigos Current Mood: weeeeeeeee Current Music: gentle tapping of keyboards (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
11:36 am	wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ohhh the day of funness and happiness personified weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *giggles loads* OMG SERIOUS BEST WEEKEND EVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! went down to good old enniscoth on fri nd stayed in d katies nd tat was fun didnt actually get dresssed til 5 pm on sat lol after serious hurtage AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH my nose still hurts *wiggles it* then we met steveth nd headed up to amis where young christof was present. he being a BABOON did not stay nd went home for foods..evennn tho we ALL kno he wanted to. so we waited.....and waited...then came JUNO BEAN ND DEIRDRE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!*dances* we didnt kno dey were comin thought wud just b us three but den dey decided too alonnng wid ANNIE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! and so we head out in two groups coz NOO CATALACKS ROUND HERE MISSY LOO hehe and an hr interval occurs between d ami and d anne and d juno bean come out coz welll a hurrican,xtra vision nd a VERY SLOW maloccas encaptulates them buttt wen dey do come out FUNNNESSSSSSSSSSSS AND OMG then get txt from noneother than ANTHONY....he sean AND chris are comin out WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO omg it was d bestest night evaaaaaaaaaaa of food nd random trips round ballymurn in da rain nd TEAMMMM AMEERRIICAAAAAAA LMFAO *FALLZ OVA* IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FUN and great then 7 of us tried to get into one double bed *shakes head* neddles to say it didnt go well BUT SOO funny watchin anto nd chris do 70s dances to phone tunes lol but was great even tho me nd ami slid off bed repeatedly hehe we had it workin til anto nd chris came WORKING I SAY!!!! lol and well so then we decided OKAY livin room it is BUT den summmmmmmmmmmmmmmone namin noooo names decided heyy we'll bring da mattress down ere instead.....*tuts* lmfao it was soooooooo funny but omg d way chris ended up sleepin was hilarious damn my dying phone or i'd have had pics lmfao (btw its now alive..ALIVEEEEEEEEE MWAHAHHAAHAHAHA) Anywho was d bestest didnt get much sleep like an hr but was fairly comfortable at times....wen feet werent in da way lol!!! and omg seans gotten SOO jeery haha me likes the new sean hes funny but yeah nxt day boys left nd we got breaky rolls YUM YUM after nearly dyin from da wait,but yeah was grand katie nd anne left nd d rest of us had an awesome day was such fun hangin round mine for hrs til we went bk into town nd hung round in da rain it went like this burgermac----o'learys----cinema-----o'learys-----o'briens----(consider shenannigans)----lost ami----maloccas----got anto and sean (after had been in shenanigans)----headed to bus----lost deirdre----got on bus---- headed to ucd----got off in ucd----showed anna about----ate sweets and watched tv LOL!!! GREATNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! *GIGGLES* LOVE ALL THE GUYS!!! miss them wen up ere, but kno der only a call away =0D Current Mood: verrrry verrry happy Current Music: lacuna coil (Comment on this)